Managing Expectations In Your Dating Journey

Expectations influence everything. Your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors, and basically your overall personality. And they're there for a reason. They bring predictability to our lives. We're conditioned to expect.

Take Pavlov's case of classical conditioning. Remember the dog and bell experiment. You ring a bell and give the dog some food. You do it again, and again. Now for the dog, the sound of the bell is associated with food.

Now on the 7th day, if you just ring the bell, even if there's no food, the dog starts salivating. Why? Because the dog expects food.

This is not to say we're dogs. But we're not much different either. We do something long enough and so we start expecting it time and again. That's the way of conditioning and that's the way we naturally are.

Do you expect your potential partner to want kids? Boom, you got it. A certain height? There you have it. Have more hair or less of certain habits? Done.

This is not a joke. This is the reality as far as online dating is concerned. We can almost tailor our preferences on the apps these days like we're ordering a customized meal from a five-star hotel.

While there's universal human truth to the above statement, I would go as far as saying that the above has set a rather troubling example for relationships. Because this negates the responsibility on the part of the individual to put in the effort that every relationship requires, no matter how easy that process is made by our well-wishing apps.

Having expectations is not the root of the problem, but rather poor communication of it. From my experience of relationships in my own life, and that of other people, there seems to be one place where the issues often sprout – Ego. And both the consequence of that is the lack of communication.

How easy this life would be if just everyone knew what was going on in someone else's head? But that's all we expect.

So I'll go on to say that have your expectations, but learn to communicate them without ego. Tell other people what is that you expect of them without imposing the burden of expectation on them.

When a relationship fails, it's because of a large number of reasons. And for bonds that never turn into intimate relationships, it's largely because of unmet expectations.

Usually when a relationship doesn't work out, we blame the other for being so. We tend to forget that people out there are neither there to hurt us nor fulfill our expectations.

Our sense of insecurity comes as a natural response to the desire of the child within us to seek attention. We let our attachment styles dictate the expectations we keep from our future relationships as if the job to heal us of our childhood traumas and injuries is of our partners.

If you're an Indian individual (pardon the generalization) there is a cultural expectation to find a partner who meets certain criteria in terms of social status, career success, and family background.

The seeds of wrong expectations are sown in us from what society expects from us and we learn to expect the same things from people which is not only unrealistic but can also toxic.

If the cost of effort is much higher than the benefit of being in a relationship, I don't want it. And that is why a relationship cannot be seen as 1+1=2. It has to be seen as 1+1= 2+

That's as simple as one can put "A relationship is greater than the sum of its individuals."

Many individuals enter relationships with a laundry list of criteria and expectations for their partners without taking the time to reflect on their flaws, insecurities, and shortcomings.

Instead of finding a person to fit into your life, try to fit better into their lives. Learn to ask yourself "How do I make myself into a person that people are interested in dating or having a conversation with?"

The first response to that is: To become more responsible. By opening yourself up to criticism and acknowledging your flaws. By opening yourself to caring for "WE" instead of being all about "ME".